How to
Spice Up Your Sex Life
by Alicia Guinn
Is your love life losing its spark? Has boredom
crept into your bedroom? Don’t despair, what’s
happening to you is perfectly normal. Everyone
falls into sexual ruts now and then because
routines, by definition, are easy and
comforting. We discover one way to get ourselves
or our partners off, and then we repeat. And
repeat (until we put ourselves to sleep!).
Much as we’d like to wave our
magic wand over your bed and restore your sex
life to its former glory, there really is no one
sure-fire toy or quick fix. However, with a bit
of inspiration and a willingness to explore,
you’ll be surprised at how a few simple changes
can get you on the road to a more fulfilling sex
life.
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1. Know
Thyself.
In the quest to break out of your rut,
consider yourself a private eye assigned to
investigate the mysteries of your sexuality.
What do you like? What do you fantasize
about? Because our society defines sex so
narrowly, a lot of people have trouble
imagining sexual possibilities beyond their
current repertoire. Start your
investigation with a little research. Buy a
general sex guide like
The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex
and take a good look at some of the
activities that may have intrigued you in
the past. Maybe you’ve always been curious
about anal sex, or you’ve harbored a secret
desire to be spanked. Give yourself
permission to explore them further.
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2.
Talk Talk
Talk.
Talking to your partner about sex is crucial
to developing a great sex life. And
practicing your communication skills doesn’t
have to be a drag. Taking turns telling each
other hot stories is a great way to
communicate to your partner what you like or
what you’d like to explore. If talking seems
too intimidating, consider writing your
partner a note detailing one of your hottest
fantasies, or agree to meet online and
engage in a little cybersex. For more tips
on hot talk, read Carol Queen’s
Exhibitionism for the Shy or watch the video
Talk To Me Baby: A Lover’s Guide to Dirty
Talk and Role Play.
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3. Shake It Up.
Take a good look at your usual sexual
routine. Do you always have sex at the same
place? The same time? Does every encounter
consist of the same activities in roughly
the same order? Start to imagine
possibilities that excite you beyond your
usual habits. If you always have sex in bed
right before you fall asleep, what would
happen if you initiated sex in the morning
or on a weekend afternoon when you don’t
have any obligations? Think about your
sexual patters. Do you and your sweetie
always indulge in a good, serious hour of
lovemaking? Or do you like it quick and
dirty? If you usually put aside an hour or
two for sex, try a quickie. And vice versa.
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4.Try Something New.
In a society that discourages sexual
exploration and gives us only a small menu
of sexual choices appropriate for “good
people,” it takes courage and initiative to
try new things. However, one of the best
things about exploring new avenues in your
sex life is that it builds intimacy between
partners. On top of that, change requires
risk-taking, which all by itself can set
your pulse racing. Make the commitment to
try at least one new thing each month. You
can start small: masturbate with a new toy
or try a new sex position, or go for
something more ambitious, like a foray into
anal sex or BDSM. Now’s the time to accept
your desires and get to work.
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5. Sex Dates.
That’s right, make a date for sex. By
planning sex dates, you and your partner are
reaffirming the importance of sex in your
life, and you’re actively creating the time
and space for sex. Although it seems
counter-intuitive, you’re not taking all the
spontaneity (and excitement) out of your sex
life. By penciling sex dates in on your
calendar, you tap into a key ingredient of
sexual arousal: anticipation. Sex dates
shouldn’t be just another obligation in your
already busy schedule; they’re an
opportunity to put all of your everyday
worries on the back burner and completely
enjoy sex.
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6. Play
Games.
Erotic games are a great way to introduce
new ideas into your relationship in a fun
and non-threatening way. They also take the
pressure off either of you to initiate sex.
Games like Dirty Dice, Lover's Lotto, and
the
Kama Sutra Game
leave the sexual activity up to chance, so
you're enounters don't have a pre-scripted
quality. The Lover's Paintbox gives you the
opportunity to create edible artwork on your
lover's body, while Truth or Dare
puts an even naughtier spin on the classic
kids' game.
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7. Higher
Learning.
Beyond general sex guides, there’s a
fascinating array of sex books and videos
available these days. And there’s always
something new to learn. Pick up a couple
books or videos on subjects you’ve always
been curious about or know nothing about at
all. If you catch yourself thinking "I'm
just not the kind of person who could read a
book about sex," remember that videos offer
a great way to actually learn and practice
at the same time. Be adventurous in your
exploration of sexuality. Some subjects
that people are generally curious about are
covered in books like Sex Toys 101, SM 101,
Anal Pleasure and Health, The Good
Vibrations Guide to the G Spot, and The
Ultimate Guide to Strap On Sex. Some
excellent instructional videos are Bend Over
Boyfriend, the Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex
for Women, G Marks the Spot, and Whipsmart.
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8. Erotic
Inspiration.
Use erotica, whether it’s stories, pictures,
or videos, to discover what turns you on.
During your exploration, you might find hot
spots you never knew existed. Involve your
partner in your research and not only will
you gain new insights into his or her
libido, you’ll both get turned on in the
process. Sample a variety of erotica in
anthologies like Best American Erotica, or
go for more thematic collections like Best
Lesbian Erotica, Sweet Life (couples) or
Aqua (underwater sex adventures). Don’t
write off porn automatically because you’ve
seen one magazine or video that you didn’t
like. There’s an increasing diversity in
porn, and although it can take a while to
find porn that suits you, you’ll find it’s
worth the search in the end. Check out our
Women’s Guide to Good Porn if you’re new to
porn.
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9. Good
for a Laugh.
And last but not least, try to lighten up in
the bedroom. Don't worry so much about
performance, timing, or expectations. Just
set out to have fun, and don't be afraid to
laugh at yourselves. Why not break the ice
and start out with a good laugh—try stapping
a vibrating butterfly over your clit or a
stretchy vibrating dolphin over your
penis—and you'll be smiling while getting
your buzz on.
Enjoy yourselves! Don't get so
focused on change, or unrealistic expectations
that you forget to relax and enjoy the ride.
Remember, we can tell you how to spice things
up, but you've got to supply the main
ingredients: enthusiasm, humor, and imagination!
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